I'm in a funk.
Not a major funk. Not a major depression by any means. But definitely some kind of funk. And a persistent one.
I suppose it's just the winter thing. I'm usually in some kind of funk starting around February. But I don't know. The funk blocks clear thinking on the matter.
There's really nothing wrong. I like my job a lot, though it is exhausting. I like living here a lot, though it can be somewhat lonely at times.
Often I don't know what to do or how to spend my time. I come home from work and I cook dinner, and then I just have this "now what?" feeling. I need a hobby. But I have a bunch of hobbies. But I always seem to have to force myself to do them. Like drawing. I have a set of oil pastels. I like to draw. But lately I haven't wanted to. Why? And chainmaille. I have at least 2 chainmaille projects I'm supposed to be working on. I downloaded a few seasons of Star Treck: The Next Generation thinking I could get some chain work done while watching. I'm almost done with season 2, but I haven't started any chainmaille yet. And writing. I like writing. But it seems that I never want to sit down and write. I didn't even want to write a blog post today. I'm forcing myself to. I feel like I don't know what to say, or how to say it. I feel like this is the worst blog post ever. Stupid post. All disjointed and even more rambly than usual.
*Sigh*
So yea, I'm in a funk.
I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I want to stay here for a second year or come home. Or go somewhere else. I don't know where else I want to travel to, what other places I want to see. I don't know what I want to accomplish in life. I don't know what kind of person I want to be. When I do come back to the states, I don't know where I want to live or what I want to do. I don't really know anything. Nor do I really want to think about it all that much. When I first got here my mind was buzzing with thinking about my dreams, and my next steps, and blah blah blah. But I don't really have any dreams at the moment. Nothing specific anyway. When I think about my future, all that comes to my mind is a big, endless, gray field. No, seriously. I used to see different possible futures, like me as a researcher, or living in an earthship, or this or that. Now I think about it, I just see the color gray stretching out infinitely. And I guess I'm scared that if I don't fill that void with something, some kind of dream, than I'll never do anything. Which is silly. I suppose life happens regardless of intent.
And I want a girlfriend. I think. I assume. Or am I just in the habit of wanting a girlfriend? No, I'm pretty sure I actually do. But that's complicated. The temporary nature of my being here. The plans I used to have for the future that have been replaced by the gray void. How do I explain polyamoury to a Korean girl? As fringe as it is in the states, it would sound completely ridiculous here. Of course, I could do monogamy for a while. In fact it might even be nice for a change. But can I permanently part with such a fundamental aspect of my philosophy? And if not, than any relationship I get into based on monogamy must be temporary. But is that fair to someone? Is it right to get into a relationship with someone based on terms you know will force an end to the relationship at somepoint down the road?
Besides, the truth is I don't just want a girlfriend, I want a domestic partner. I guess I'm starting to feel those adult hormones or something. I don't just want a person to go out with, and hold hands with, and have sex with. I want a person to come home to, to cook dinner with, to be silently in the company of. Of course, I realize that that doesn't just happen. You need to start out with one and it builds to the next. But, in this life here, I fear that any sort of domestic partner situation is really quite impossible. And of course it all goes back to the complications of my non-permanence here as well as my less than typical views on love and relationships.
*Sigh*
This sure is a funky funk....
Not a major funk. Not a major depression by any means. But definitely some kind of funk. And a persistent one.
I suppose it's just the winter thing. I'm usually in some kind of funk starting around February. But I don't know. The funk blocks clear thinking on the matter.
There's really nothing wrong. I like my job a lot, though it is exhausting. I like living here a lot, though it can be somewhat lonely at times.
Often I don't know what to do or how to spend my time. I come home from work and I cook dinner, and then I just have this "now what?" feeling. I need a hobby. But I have a bunch of hobbies. But I always seem to have to force myself to do them. Like drawing. I have a set of oil pastels. I like to draw. But lately I haven't wanted to. Why? And chainmaille. I have at least 2 chainmaille projects I'm supposed to be working on. I downloaded a few seasons of Star Treck: The Next Generation thinking I could get some chain work done while watching. I'm almost done with season 2, but I haven't started any chainmaille yet. And writing. I like writing. But it seems that I never want to sit down and write. I didn't even want to write a blog post today. I'm forcing myself to. I feel like I don't know what to say, or how to say it. I feel like this is the worst blog post ever. Stupid post. All disjointed and even more rambly than usual.
*Sigh*
So yea, I'm in a funk.
I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know if I want to stay here for a second year or come home. Or go somewhere else. I don't know where else I want to travel to, what other places I want to see. I don't know what I want to accomplish in life. I don't know what kind of person I want to be. When I do come back to the states, I don't know where I want to live or what I want to do. I don't really know anything. Nor do I really want to think about it all that much. When I first got here my mind was buzzing with thinking about my dreams, and my next steps, and blah blah blah. But I don't really have any dreams at the moment. Nothing specific anyway. When I think about my future, all that comes to my mind is a big, endless, gray field. No, seriously. I used to see different possible futures, like me as a researcher, or living in an earthship, or this or that. Now I think about it, I just see the color gray stretching out infinitely. And I guess I'm scared that if I don't fill that void with something, some kind of dream, than I'll never do anything. Which is silly. I suppose life happens regardless of intent.
And I want a girlfriend. I think. I assume. Or am I just in the habit of wanting a girlfriend? No, I'm pretty sure I actually do. But that's complicated. The temporary nature of my being here. The plans I used to have for the future that have been replaced by the gray void. How do I explain polyamoury to a Korean girl? As fringe as it is in the states, it would sound completely ridiculous here. Of course, I could do monogamy for a while. In fact it might even be nice for a change. But can I permanently part with such a fundamental aspect of my philosophy? And if not, than any relationship I get into based on monogamy must be temporary. But is that fair to someone? Is it right to get into a relationship with someone based on terms you know will force an end to the relationship at somepoint down the road?
Besides, the truth is I don't just want a girlfriend, I want a domestic partner. I guess I'm starting to feel those adult hormones or something. I don't just want a person to go out with, and hold hands with, and have sex with. I want a person to come home to, to cook dinner with, to be silently in the company of. Of course, I realize that that doesn't just happen. You need to start out with one and it builds to the next. But, in this life here, I fear that any sort of domestic partner situation is really quite impossible. And of course it all goes back to the complications of my non-permanence here as well as my less than typical views on love and relationships.
*Sigh*
This sure is a funky funk....
No comments:
Post a Comment